Burger King is located in a corner where there’s an intersection and a stoplight. As the green light signalled the cars to go, I spotted Iceberg’s on my left. In a few minutes, I found myself sitting on my usual spot at the famous ice cream joint. A small table for one.
I ordered a rice meal and of course, an ice cream dessert! At this point, I rummaged my bag for my wallet. I wanted to order coffee after dessert and I didn’t know if I had enough money. To my dismay, I saw that I only had Php40 in my wallet! More so, I couldn’t find the separate wallet I have for my cards! No, I was not robbed. I was in a hurry earlier that evening, preparing the payment for the credit card bill. I overlooked what remained in my wallet after getting money for the bill and left the other wallet on my working table. By the time I realized all these, my drink was already served and I didn’t want to cause any scene by admitting I didn’t have money to pay for my food! I started to panic and it took me a few minutes to calm myself down. In the end, I asked someone to rescue me by bringing some money.
During my so-called crisis, I realized that no matter how independent I am, I will have moments when I’ll be feeling helpless. Reality bites and it bit me hard last Tuesday. I’m used to not asking for help. I’m not used to being taken care of. Even in my past relationships, I seldom experience my partner taking care of me. Probably because I’m always the older one. Is that a reason at all? A girl is a girl no matter how old she is and once in awhile, I do want to be pampered. More so, I only have a few friends within my age range. Most of them are much younger than me. And so to these friends, I’ve been looked at as the older sister. I am playing the role. I always feel responsible whenever we are together. Oh, and did I mention I’m the only girl in my group? I only have a handful of girl friends and I seldom see them. Anyway, I’m used to planning our get-togethers and trips. I take care of almost everything. Even on deciding where to eat for lunch or dinner. Where to watch a movie. What time. How to get where we’re going, etc. I was complaining at first because I wanted know how it feels to be at the other side of the fence. I wanted to feel what it’s like to just sit back and enjoy the ride. I wanted to feel how it’s like to rely on someone for a change. But eventually I got used to it and I found myself being comfortable to doing things on my own. I eat, watch a movie, shop, workout, etc. by myself.
What happened last Tuesday is an eye opener for me. That evening I sent text messages to friends telling them of my misadventure. But what I really wanted to say is, “I need your help.” I couldn’t get myself to say it so I told them I was ok and that I already asked my staff (from where I work) to come and bring some money. To camouflage my real feelings, I convinced myself that it was something I should be laughing about and that’s what I told everyone. Loneliness was sneaking in again and I had to stop it. Something like this never happened to me before and I hated myself for it. For the 1st time after a very long time, someone needed to take care of me. My family without a doubt will come to my aid. But honestly, the moment I panicked, I wished that I have someone special in my life that I can rely on to come to my rescue anytime, anywhere.
Recent events made me lower my guards and become vulnerable. Although friends keep reminding me not to have expectations, I can’t seem to help it. I’m now forcing myself to take a step back because I don’t want to find myself in a place where it would be hard to bounce back.
It’s amazing how a small mishap can stir so many emotions!